“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
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Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”