5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
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You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
eating my hot dog hamburger style
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.