Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
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The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real