[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
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Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
*jingles half the way*
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
Lol
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?