“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
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the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.