Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
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My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
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Me: Okay, you’re up
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Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
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opponent: please stop crying
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“how much for your finest dollar?”
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
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Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
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the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
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can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?