My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
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What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
termite twitter scares me
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
#polloftheday
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut