Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
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Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”