This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
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me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
Natty or not?
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
[crime scene]
Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.
Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that