I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
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good for her
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’