911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
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Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.