ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
You Might Also Like
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.