“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
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respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
Optional boss fight.
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.