Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?
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my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
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Expectations vs. Reality
If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free