“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
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Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
My nickname in high school was “who?”
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.