Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
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*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.