No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
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No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
PLOT TWIST:
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.