Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
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Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
the council will decide your fate
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters