Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
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KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
The human personality is made of five key elements
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.