Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
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ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
the clam before the storm
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.