My wife gives the best headache.
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“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.