[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
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Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
PER MY LAST EMAIL
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn