You Might Also Like
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
I think the cat got the dog high.
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
Breaking news:
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.