Bite me again
– my bottom lip
You Might Also Like
Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.