*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
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Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
me: what drink ya got there?
11: a smoothie I made
me: oh. What’s in it??
11: ummm Pears, juice, peanut butter, milk, cereal and hot sauce.
me: and you won’t eat a tomato.
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
HR said no more nunchucks.
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”