Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
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Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.