When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
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love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
And bowling should be called pinball
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.