Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
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them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
Thursday
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
The fall of Netflix
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration