My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
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HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute