SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
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My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
catch me on valentine’s day like
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”