Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
You Might Also Like
[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
watergate? u mean a dam??
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
u spoke cat all this time??????
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.