due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
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The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can鈥檛 be true because my parents still don鈥檛 like me
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I鈥檝e made my peace with that
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
me (first day as a judge): YOU鈥橰E OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you鈥檙e new here aren鈥檛 you?
Every woman鈥檚 deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man鈥檚 deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs馃檧
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive r茅sum茅.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
I’m choking laughing omfg 馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’