The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
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I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Cr猫me Br没l茅e in peace.
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
I’d hang this in my house.
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
馃槒馃槒馃槒
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
A new level of troll.
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.