Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
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All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?