My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
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[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
car not found
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power