Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
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No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
*orders delivery*
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
Rt to bother an English speaker
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…