for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
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Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
Them: Just act casual
Me:
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys