Always the barmaid, never the bar.
You Might Also Like
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
i spent way too long on this
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
Seas the day!!!!
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
even bears disappoint their mothers
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed