Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
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“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
Remember when you were a kid, you slept on the couch and without saying anything you found yourself in your bed. Now you sleep in your bed and if you say anything, you end up in the couch.
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
black phone good
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl