We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
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toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.