Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
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I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.