I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
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[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?
no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.