I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
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Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper