Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
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Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
That earthquake could have been an email.
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!