Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
You Might Also Like
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
Well, this is awkward
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am: