Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
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It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.