My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
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“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.