Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
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My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.