Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
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So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
Strangers have the best candy.
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?