“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
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Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…